Based on laguge, NSFW. Tongue firmly implanted in cheek…from one of my new favorite sites...Post Grad Problems
I signed up for CrossFit in early 2011, a few months after graduating from college. I had spent the better part of a decade destroying my physical health and appearance through nonstop binge drinking, drug use, and consumption of every tobacco product known to man, and didn’t want to die of a massive heart attack in my late twenties, so I figured it was time to get my shit together.
An older coworker actually talked me into it; his sales pitch being that if we worked out on our own we’d never actually get in shape, but the CrossFit coaches and system would hold us accountable. The two of us signed up for a yearlong membership, opting for three sessions per week, costing an outrageous $165 per month.
I learned a lot over the course of that grueling year.
First, no amount of structure, or coaching, or community support will ever be able to hold me accountable to staying in shape. I’m just not wired that way. The coworker I joined with still jokes that my average attendance was 1.4 classes per week, and that’s a generous estimate. To be fair, I was writing a book at the time, and my chaotic schedule wasn’t exactly fitness regimen friendly.
Second, CrossFit is a cult.
Here are 10 terrible things about CrossFit and everything that goes with the cultural phenomenon:
1. People who post Facebook statuses about CrossFit.
Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?” Facebook does not ask, “How was CrossFit today, you yolked badass?” Nobody gives a single fuck that you completed the WOD (workout of the day) in 3 minutes and 34 seconds, or that you finished in sixth place out of the fifteen people in your class. Stop uploading videos of yourself executing the perfect hang clean, or photos of you in the pushup position. You’re scaring us.
2. Getting destroyed by girls.
You roll into the gym on your first day and notice that there are three small members of the female sex in your class. These chicks can’t weigh more than 120-pounds on a bad day. You’re thinking, “I’m going to destroy these little girls and show them how big my dick is.”
The whole thing is set up as a unisexual even playing field. You’ll be powering through 150-pound thruster reps while one of those little girls next to you is doing nothing but the bar and absolutely wrecking your workout time. Either that, or the chick working out next to you will be a freak beast who warms up with more weight than you can lift, which is totally emasculating.
Speaking of which, ladies, CrossFit will not make you sexy. It will make you frightening.
3. Everyone is cheering you on.
You’ll never feel more insecure about yourself than while you’re pathetically finishing up a workout in last place, hacking up tar and puking up alcohol from last night’s happy hour, as the rest of the class cheers you on.
I remember one specific morning where I yacked up bile outside the gym after a lap around the building, and then ran inside to finish my final round of Kipping pull-ups. The rest of the class surrounded me, clapping and cheering, urging me on to personal victory. Their enthusiasm caused me to truly hate every single person on earth and everything about myself at the same time.
4. You only care about beach muscles.
If your goal is chiseling out a six-pack and some gnarly biceps to impress bitches at the pool, you’re in the wrong place. These people want to turn you into a